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what you will never know

Just as you forget I remember
a criss-cross of promises, gleaming plait,
secured at the ends with a silk-indigo ribbon.
This once I knew with certainty every word I meant,
I was your one true Believer –
no limit to my faith, I prayed with and for you.
In all innocence and purity I loved,
keeping no secrets, exposing the alabaster white of my neck.
You promised, you said, you wept
and like me you hurt and you cried in the twilight church of Fifth Avenue
-    on a train to Spuyten Duyvil
One late August day came the shock;
you had left our love open, so exposed – the easy book,
so many delicate meaningful words, a daisy-chain;
some other found what you left - obvious and open.
You wanted to be found: offered us both up on a platter on which she could dine;
chew on this for a while.
You stood idly by saying
    No, you never loved me
    Not in any meaninful way
she took every sacred  codified thing,
squashed the years of us to bits.
It had outshone all
and all of it you let go, telling all without a word –
each that came before all but lies.
Never have I fallen such heights, no wings have I
    become a lowly, hungry ghost
I roamed the city’s streets as the rain fell – a deluge
while my unbelievable pain and the blood that I hemorrhaged
bleeding  over you – crimson death unstoppable.
Only the maple saw as I mourned from my glass box at the Museum -
Witnessed the broken me as the rain fell heavy,
    as I bled, as I seized, as my bones turned to dust
– ashes, ashes, we all fall down.
But not you –
You quickly found your relative peace, no thought of me;
I was a once upon a time fiction illusory.
Then one dark night I almost died –
My heartbeat fell below forty, pressure refusing to pump no higher than sixty
and while all of the alarms went off
you never heard a thing; deaf to this.
I discovered that a broken heart, more than mere expression - -
but a painful reality I wish I had not survived.
The phone never rings. These things you’ll never know.

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