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sadi ranson-polizzotti
I had not noticed at first, the way he looked at me
- all adoration and desire
A feeling fanned, it could grow bright and blue
Moth to a flame he came. For a third of my life
I said No. Lived instead as your suicide-bride
Fingers tying knots, rope, ribbon, noose, seven red
Wishes in a string. I fingered them at night
And prayed a private rosary, a dumb-founded nun
Desires denied. I was ice-white with holiness,
A wordless sheet of velum, hallowed silent
I was ascetic and hermetic. When then undid
Your trance? When had I woken up and realized
That those eyes I had loved so much for so long
Would never love me back with such fidelity.
That your superior impatience said it all.
That the ball was in my court, as you said,
I would drive you to her bed, or this or some other.
In any event, it was never your doing,
And cowed, I believed and took to my knees
And begged all forgiveness, prayed you not to leave
That seed of me knowing you had left long ago.
Did or did you not notice, the change as it came,
When did it begin? I cannot say. I grew more
Beautiful each day. Your threat had done her in
At last. I saw myself elsewhere, a fine-featured
Cameo, full-breasted and lithe, I swelled
To his attentions and when he pulled back
The heavy veil I had put on years before,
When my dark cassock fell, I was surprised
To see just a girl, ginger and freckled,
I watched in the mirror as the bees stung
Her lips, as the sun ripened her flesh and
She grew heavy with desire, took on the dusk
And blush of peach.
You never noticed.
Elsewhere, you were busy, making then guarding
Your secrets, making your way down some
Other orchard, admiring fruit on highest branches
Never once seeing the harvest in your basket
The others just waiting until the tears stopped,
Until I turned around, until I turned my face
To the sun and would need the salt licked
From my cheeks.
- all adoration and desire
A feeling fanned, it could grow bright and blue
Moth to a flame he came. For a third of my life
I said No. Lived instead as your suicide-bride
Fingers tying knots, rope, ribbon, noose, seven red
Wishes in a string. I fingered them at night
And prayed a private rosary, a dumb-founded nun
Desires denied. I was ice-white with holiness,
A wordless sheet of velum, hallowed silent
I was ascetic and hermetic. When then undid
Your trance? When had I woken up and realized
That those eyes I had loved so much for so long
Would never love me back with such fidelity.
That your superior impatience said it all.
That the ball was in my court, as you said,
I would drive you to her bed, or this or some other.
In any event, it was never your doing,
And cowed, I believed and took to my knees
And begged all forgiveness, prayed you not to leave
That seed of me knowing you had left long ago.
Did or did you not notice, the change as it came,
When did it begin? I cannot say. I grew more
Beautiful each day. Your threat had done her in
At last. I saw myself elsewhere, a fine-featured
Cameo, full-breasted and lithe, I swelled
To his attentions and when he pulled back
The heavy veil I had put on years before,
When my dark cassock fell, I was surprised
To see just a girl, ginger and freckled,
I watched in the mirror as the bees stung
Her lips, as the sun ripened her flesh and
She grew heavy with desire, took on the dusk
And blush of peach.
You never noticed.
Elsewhere, you were busy, making then guarding
Your secrets, making your way down some
Other orchard, admiring fruit on highest branches
Never once seeing the harvest in your basket
The others just waiting until the tears stopped,
Until I turned around, until I turned my face
To the sun and would need the salt licked
From my cheeks.
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